apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
