Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
