lets start a swedish sibling band together
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
