you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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