Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
