I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sober January is a disaster.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
