Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
