Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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