I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
What a dumb baby whore.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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