I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
