I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
