I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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