It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
