i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize