she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My bed smells like the plague
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
