It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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