Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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