I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
