At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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