one word: firstdatebathroomanal
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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