apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
