20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
