we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
