Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
