why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
