I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
