I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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