Cold hands, warm shart.
someone threw a dead crab at me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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