2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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