I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
