Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
