the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
