All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
