The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
