God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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