Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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