he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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