It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
