Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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