The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
