I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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