I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize