Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
