Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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