Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
