Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
