If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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