Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
