Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize