im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
