Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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