im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
