and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
