My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
