She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
