Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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