Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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