My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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