Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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