i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
