remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
