so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
