I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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