Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
