No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
